The Perilous WeekLong News Show of Doom
by Popuri
Summary: What happens when Snape develops a passion for McGonagall, Harry begins crushing on Ron, Hermione and Draco learn of their love for eachother, Draco reveals his secret passion for MOCHA FRAPPUCCINOS!, and, in the midst, there's a week-long news show assig
1. The Beginning

The Beginning  
  
It was lunchtime, and Ron, Hermione, and Harry sat in the Gryffindor table, debating about what to do for their project..Their Potions class had been challenged by Snape -- who had recently watched The Truman Show and fallen desperately in love with the concept of it (actually, it was McGonagall who'd done this, but we all know how Snape tries to win the favor of the, to quote, "lovely transfiguration goddess" more than twice his age..) -- to run a television show all week long, 24/7, around Hogwarts. All of the common rooms and classrooms as well as the Great Hall were to have a big-screen television set put in. The Gryffindors and the Slytherins were both going to vote on the topic.  
  
"Why in the bloody hell can't Snape just hit on McGonagall the way muggles do, and send her a bouquet of bloody FLOWERS or something rather than put us all through the bloody hell involved in a bloody week-long television special?!" Ron whined. As if he ever did anything else.  
  
A sigh from Hermione. "Well, I think it's sweet... If someone did something like that for me, I'd be so flattered.." Another girlish sigh, as she gazed longingly at Draco. If only her love weren't such a pampered, Muggle-hating wenchling, she might just confess her undying affection for him... Too bad. He was. Stupid bitch.  
  
Harry made a noise of disgust which everyone knew to be jealousy... He was hitting non-stop on Hermione, doing little things for her here and there, and she sure as hell didn't notice. . . Poor me, thought the Boy Who Lived to Pity Himself, Nobody my age wants to fuck me. I'm a celebrity! Why does Hermione want that ... that ... THAT BEAUTIFUL, SEXY MAFLOY CHILD anyhow?!.. Oh well. At least I still have a chance with RON... Harry scooted a bit closer to Ron -- frightening, horny little wench-boy that he was -- before clearing his throat. "Well, no matter what, we DO have to do this. So. What kind of show should it be? Maybe we can have all the Gryffindors sign a petition and pick the same thing.. There's one more Gryffindor than Slytherin anyhow."  
  
Ron cackled evilly. "Bloody hell, you're right. We have to do this bloody show so we might as bloody well make sure we get what we bloody want. . . I want the bloody show to be about the bloody police force! The bloody muggles seem to like all of those bloody cop shows well enough. Why not the bloody Hogwarts students, too?"  
  
Harry would blink. His soon-to-be-lover Ron used the word "bloody" to often. He would have to cure him of that.. "Hermione, how about you?"  
  
Hermione blinked a bit, finally turning from her long gaze at Malfoy, coming back to reality. "..What..?.. Oh, I'm sorry Harry .. I was, uhm..." -- Another long, wistful gaze at her Malfy-Walfy -- "..nothing.. I think that the show should be a news show. That's sensible and everyone will learn much more, and we won't have to go into expensive props, and we don't have to have everyone be good at acting, like we would if it were a sitcom."  
  
Harry and Ron nodded in unison, Ron noticing that Harry was practically sitting on him, and moving over a great deal. "That settles it, then. Let's circulate the petition for a news show. Hermione, quill and parchment, please?" Hermione handed Harry the quill and parchment, and Harry began writing...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
While this was all going on, Draco sat with Crabbe and Goyle at the Slytherin table, as well as Pansy, who had taken a rather revolting like to Draco, and had begun trying to slide into his lap at every given chance. Draco would always promptly stand, causing Pansy to fall to the floor and squeal in pain, which caused Ron to stand up -- albeit all the way on the other side of the room at the Gryffindor table -- and scream "BLOODY HELL!" at the top of his lungs. Draco had, by now, placed Crabbe between him and Pansy, and Goyle on his other side as to discourage this behaviour. Despite profuse pouting on Pansy's part, it was working beautifully thus far.  
  
"Listen, Crabbe, Goyle. We need to find a good topic for this show, otherwise Daddy'll take away my new toy. I just got that automatic nail- painter a few days ago and it's working perfectly as a torture device when my nine-year-old muggle boy is bad. So you'd better not fuck this up, or I'll seriously fuck both of you idiots up." He shot them both a deathglare, and then smiled that beautiful, Malfoy-brand smile that made Pansy and Hermione melt, teachers chuckle with pride, enemies flee, and Ron and Harry run for the nearest bathroom to vomit. "What type of show should we make? Any suggestions?"  
  
Crabbe nodded sharply, sniffing hard.. He was always doing that these days.. Sniffing like that, as if he had something in his nose that might fall out if he didn't. Heh. Maybe he did. Who knew? "Sir, what if we do a romantic battery? My mum likes those."  
  
Draco let out a long, cold, Draco-style laugh. "For one thing, my dear Vincent, it's 'comedy', not 'battery'. You numbskull. And, I know, I would be the star, but who would be the woman I was so ensnared with? There isn't a witch worth it in this whole damn school." He turned to look wistfully at Hermione with great longing.. Not any witch worth it, but there is a filthy mudblood.. Oh, mudblood! Muggle-born girl with the full brown curls, I long for you so! Mudblood, mudblood! Wherefore art thou a mudblood?! Deny both your father and your mother and refuse your name! But what's in a name? For a Malfoy, by any other name, would be as cruel! Oh, rapture! Oh, love! How I long for you, you filthy, disgusting, studious mudblood, you!!  
  
"DRACO HONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Teehee! I'll be your person!! You can be ensnared with ME!" Pansy giggled, waving frantically at him. "Draco! Draco honeyyyyy? What are you looking over there for?! Look at MEEEEEEE!!"  
  
Draco was brought out of his poetic stupor by the giggling, snorting, whining Pansy. . . He mentally cursed. Why couldn't Hermione be in his fanclub?! Every Slytherin girl was all over him.. Oh well, he had to live in the present now. What to do for the television show?.. "No, sorry Crabbe, no romantic comedy. Goyle? Any.. brilliant ideas.. on your part?"  
  
Goyle blinked a bit. He was suffering from a serious toungue burn, and was communicating with grunts.. As if he ever communicated with anything else. "Ugh ugh uggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ugh ugh."  
  
Draco would nod slowly, smiling cruely. "Brilliance, Gregory! I am nothing short of flabbergasted! You have actually made an intelligent suggestion! And I will use it, too!" He turned to Crabbe. "Crabbe, why can't you be more like Gregory?! He suggested a news show. Isn't he brilliant?! He's damn brilliant. You need to shape up, Crabbe, you fool. Ask him to teach you a thing or two! Why can't you ever be more like Gregory Goyle?!"  
  
Tears had welled up in poor Vincent Crabbe's eyes by now -- he was going through puberty, and was quite sensitive -- and he ran off, sobbing. Pansy looked at Draco like he'd just slapped her -- Pansy had, although she didn't know it yet, an incredibly heavy crush on Vincent, possibly to rival her lust for Draco -- and ran off after him. Goyle beamed with pride. Draco quickly scribbled a memo to all of the other Slytherins, telling them to vote for a news show, which, of course, they would all follow unquestioningly. He would then have gone back to gazing wistfully at his beautiful mudblood love, but, alas, she was gazing with the same expression in his direction. Draco assumed she was staring at the poster advertising for the book fair behind him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The next day, in Potions, Severus (who had taken to, er, dressing in frilly pink lace, because his darling Minerva said she thought it was sexy) walked in, beaming at the class rather than sneering.. Mostly because McGonagall had turned up in the back rom to see what he was doing that had all the students "so excited". He cleared his throat. "Okay, darling little children! Now I want you all to be very good. We have a special visitor watching us today -- let's all make your Transfiguration teacher feel comfortable! Now for the vote. How many of you adorable little kiddies have an idea? Who'd like to go first? Any volounteers? Hmm?"  
  
Draco and Harry's hands both shot up in unison, and, Snape, for once, picked Harry. He was, of course, just trying to win the Gryffindor Headmistress' favor. "Yes, Potter? What's your cutie-wootie suggestion?"  
  
Harry -- not to mention the rest of the students -- just kind of .. stared .. Since when in the (in Ron's case, "bloody") hell did Snape say "cutie-wootie"...?... I mean, dear god... When they'd snapped out of it, Harry spoke. "Proffessor, I propose we do a news broadcast."  
  
Snape nodded slowly, then smiled, clapping his hands together in happiness. "I think that's a GOOD IDEA, Potter. How many of you vote for that?" Every Gryffindor hand raised. He nodded once more. "Okay then, class. Malfoy? What do you want to add?"  
  
Draco smiled his sleek, Malfoy-family-smile, and cleared his throat. "Proffessor, I propose we do a news broadcast." Draco's spoke in the exact same tone the exact same words that had come from the mouth of his rival, and every Slytherin hand raised. Once the Gryffindors realized what he'd said, they, too, raised their hands.  
  
Severus nodded. "Okay then! That settles it! While only half the class is in favor of Potter's idea, the whole class is in favor of Malfoy's! I agree that a new broadcast will be much, much better than that dinky news broadcast idea of Potter's. Good thinking, Draco."  
  
Draco looked over at Harry and smirked. Harry just sat there, dumbfounded... He'd had the same ideas! Damn those Slytherins, they were too stupid to realize that he'd had the same idea as Draco, and therefore Draco got all of the credit! He leaned over, nuzzling Ron's shoulder, looking for comfort. Ron shrugged Harry off, muttering something.. Most likely "bloody hell".  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After Potions was dismissed, it was time for bed, and Draco followed his crush down the hall a ways until they were about at the fat lady's picture, where Hermione promptly turned to him, trying to hide a blush. "Draco, I believe the Slytherin quarters are over there... This is for Gryffindors... Remember?"  
  
Draco dropped down upon one knee, taking Hermione by the hand and looking up lovingly into her face. "Hermione Granger... Let me just tell you this! .. You are .." He stopped, regaining his senses. What if, god forbid, Lavender were close by? Or even worse! Potter! He was the worst of the gosspiers... If he did this, it would be all over the school and all over his reputation within a day. So he stood, tossing her hand down in disgust. "You are the most horrible, filthy mudblood in the school!" He ran a few steps away, then turned back, looking at her with apology and love in his eyes, then ran the rest of the way to his huge bed in the boy's dorm, and cried himself to sleep like a little girl.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hermione watched as Draco ran away, then ran to her own room and cried HERself to sleep like a little girl.. Although that was slightly more excusable.. since she WAS a girl..  
  
Of course, Harry was in the boy's dorm, crying like a little girl, too. Hermione could hear it from her room... And she could hear Ron, too, yelling at the top of his lungs, "BLOODY HELL, HARRY! I'M NOT A BLOODY HOMOSEXUAL! YOU CAN'T BLOODY FORCE YOURSELF ON ME, AND I DON'T BLOODY LIKE YOU THAT BLOODY WAY, YOU BLOODY DESPERATE BITCH!" More crying from Harry.  
  
Hermione sniffled. At least she wasn't the ONLY one who was suffering from rejection tonight...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The next morning was the first day of the news broadcast.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.....  
  
A/N --  
  
SO! That took me sooooo long. x_x. What do you guys think? 


	2. Day 1 Sabotage the Lovers

Day 1 of the News Broadcast  
  
Hermione climbed sleepily out of bed and down the stairs of the girl's tower into the Gryffindor common room, where she found that most of the others were awake.. Harry, Ginny and Lavendar were in the corner on a sofa exchanging secrets about who was going out with who and painting their nails. Ron was sitting in the corner with Padma -- who had, apparently, sneaked over from the Ravenclaw common room with the excuse that she "needed some sugar" -- talking softly, although ever now and then, Ron would shout "BLOODY HELL!" so loudly that Draco would be able to hear it in the Slytherin tower. Seamus, Parvati, and Dean were sitting in the corner, making an attempt to "connect to the spiritual realm", although every time Ron shouted, they "broke their delicate trance". Some firsties were spazzing out, having cast 'wingardium leviosa' upon their friend, and being unable to get him down.. Hermione snickered at this.. Stupid firsties. She'd told them it was 'wingardium leviOsa', not 'wingardium levioSAW'. Dumbasses... She looked around again and found that Harry had left his little gossip group, and was now talking in a low, low tone to Ginny and the Creevy brothers. She shuddered.. It was one thing to hit on Ron, who'd known him from the start and could resist. It was another to seduce little children who worshipped the ground you walked on... Harry was a pervert. Voldemort should've killed him when he'd had the chance... Oh well. Hermione yawned a bit and left the common room. Library, here she came...  
  
Hermione entered the library at seven o'clock sharp, and my-oh-my, she was surprised to see what she saw: Draco Malfoy, sitting at a table in the corner, seven empty mugs and three pots (two empty, one half-full) of coffee beside him, speaking rather loudly. Hermione heard him say her name, and she quickly dodged behind a bookshelf, wanting to hear the words of her beloved Malfoy.  
  
Draco hadn't the foggiest idea that Hermione was there, and there he was, confessing every little dark desire for her to his beloved coffee. "Oh, mocha frappuccino! How long must I endure this torture?! It's bad enough that I cannot confess my feelings to her, but SORROW! She certainly shan't have any feelings for me! I have insulted her time and again, and never have I let her see how much I want her. She's so intelligent. She won't screw up raising our children. And how beautiful! Those lovely brown curls. Oh how enticing! I love her so! I'm afraid I shall die if I cannot have her right here, right now, this very second!" He was standing by now, shouting his thoughts to the coffee. He sighed, and sat again, "But alas. Oh, mocha frappuccino. Oh, decaffeinated regular with milk and sugar. Oh, black, black coffee! You, when milk is added, are the precise shade of her hair! Her long, beautiful hair that frames her dainty little face! By golly, I'd give my little nine-year-old boy and the nail polish machine up in a second if only I could tell her all of it. But, alas. She is not here. And I doubt very much that she and I will find a time when Lavender, Harry, and Ginny, the Three Gossipateers, aren't present." He sighed once more, sinking back in sadness in his chair, his left hand palm-up on his forehead in a dramatic pose. Then he stood again, speaking passionately, "To tell her or not to tell her?! If I told her, it would sacrifice my precious reputation. But what would it matter, if she could be mine?! My, my, my mudblood. But my father. Her would skewer me for sacrificing my family's honor. Alas, I shall never be able to tell her." He sank into his chair, putting his head in his hands. Then he downed a pot of coffee in one draught, and went back to the position with his head in his hands.  
  
Hermione stared in disbelief. He felt the same! It was meant to be, wasn't it?! It was meant to be.!... And then Hermione made her mistake her mistake. She turned around, completely forgetting about the bookcase behind her, walked into the bookcase, knocking it over, with her on the other side. Draco looked startled, turning and seeing her. His eyes widened and, when he spoke, his voice cracked. "H-hermione. Did you hear all that?.."  
  
Hermione nodded very slowly, blushing lightly. "Every word. Malfy- walfy."  
  
Draco's eyes sparkled, and the background got all starry as he took her hands in his, helping her to her feet. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Draco broke the trance, and leaned close. And it was then, then of all times that Harry, Lavendar, and Ginny walked in. They stared at each other in disbelief. The three Gryffindors shocked nearly to death by the scene before them, and Hermione and Draco simply dumbfounded by Harry's hair. He had dyed it a lovely shade of pink, and clipped a small pink ribbon in it. Harry just kind of stared for another moment, before saying, "LIKE. OH, MY, GAWD. I like, cannot believe that you two are, like, kissing! I mean, like, OH MY GAWD, you know?! That's just, like, totally WR- ONG. Like, do I have to like, spell it out for you?! Double you - are - oh - en - GEE-EE, WRONG. I mean, like, omigod you guys. You could have at least found a better place than, like, the LIBRARY.."  
  
Ginny and Lavendar both sighed, smiling some. "AWWWW. It's like, so totally adorable, isn't it, Ginny?!"  
  
"Like, omigod Lavendar, it's, like, the epitome of cuteness! We'll, like, have to tell the, like, WHOLE. ENTIRE. SCHOOL!"  
  
Malicious grins spread over all three of their faces, as they came closer to Hermione and Draco, leering in their faces. "Like, omigod. I, like, have a BETTER idea. We should, like, make them embarrass themselves on, like, the news show! Okay, like, you two. If you two take the lead rolls as reporters, we'll, like, not tell the whole school about your little scandal. Like."  
  
Ginny and Lavendar clapped, smiling and jumping up and down. "Like, OMIGOD HARRY! You're, like, BRILLIANT!"  
  
"Like, so. How 'bout it? Think you can, like, do it?" Harry glared ferociously at both of them.  
  
".Potter, you dumbass. Of course we can. See you at noon, when it starts!" Draco growled ferociously, putting a protective arm around Hermione, having fun with his new ability to display his affection without risk of ridicule.  
  
Hermione hissed at Harry, drawing closer to Draco, also having fun with her ability to display affection without ridicule.  
  
Harry nodded sharply, walking out the door, hips swaying as he walked, his two little friends following him. Once out the door, he broke down and sobbed for a good half an hour without explaining it to either of them. But the truth was that he'd really, really loved Draco. And Draco. DRACO HAD BROKEN RULE NUMBAH ONE! . Draco'd drank all of the decaffeinated coffee.  
  
  
  
Soon it was time for Potions. But everything was different this class. Not just the curriculum, but several other things as well, such as (1) Harry was sitting with Lavendar and Ginny instead of Ron and Hermione, (2) Ron had brought Padma to class, his excuse being that he needed a lap- dance every ten minutes in order to keep healthy, (3) Draco and Hermione kept on making eyes at each other, and (4) when they walked in, they could hear old-woman-style noises that sounded a bit like an orgasm from Snape's walk-in closet. The last was, of course, the most frightening.  
  
When McGonagall and Snape walked out of the walk-in closet, everyone pretended that they'd never heard a thing. It was scary to think of Snape banging McGonagall, and frankly, nobody wanted to say a word. Snape coughed slightly, slicking back his hair with one hand. It would seem that he'd returned to his former ways since Minerva'd taken notice of him. "Well, class. We'll begin our news project today. Who are our volounteers for the two main reporters?"  
  
Reluctantly, Draco and Hermione both raised their hands, holding their breath, hoping that it looked like they were just volounteering on a whim, not like it really was, with them volounteering to save their very lives. To be sure, Draco's father would bloodily murder him and send him off to (Ron's) Bloody Hell if he found out that his son was in love with a mudblood. And Hermione'd die too, once she found out her beloved Malfy- Walfy was dead. So they couldn't let the Gossipateers tell anyone.  
  
Severus, noticing their hands, clapped his hands once more in glee. Well, maybe he hadn't returned to his former ways after all. "Excellent! Malfoy and Granger! Hogwart's top students! Who would be more fitting to take this position?! We start in an hour! Everyone organize into groups! If you'd like, I'll allow all of you to return to your rooms and get or do anything you might need. Your wonderful Transfiguration teacher and I will return momentarily, okayzee-wayzee? We have some .. er .. unfinished business to attend to. Bye-bye!" With that, Snape took Minerva's hand sickeningly gently, with a sparkle in his eyes that made all close enough to see want to barf their brains out, and led her to the doorway, where he paused for a moment, looking at Hermione and Draco. "Oh.. And you two'd better talk a little. You'll be eating, breathing, living, and sleeping together for the next week." And then he left.  
  
Draco and Hermione looked at each other and blushed. Maybe applying for this position wouldn't be so bad after all. But that's just what the Gossipateers wanted them to think, wasn't it? What had Harry - or Harriet, as he now insisted on being called, said? 'We'll let them embarrass themselves on the screen'. They looked at each other with a bit of understanding, before Hermione's expression changed, and she began to talk very loudly. "WELL, I absoloutely HATE you Draco, you pure-bred scum. I can't believe you applied for that position. I don't trust you near my delicate virgin's body!"  
  
Draco smirked, catching on, and began to talk just as loudly. "It's your own fault, mudblood slug! Why did YOU apply for that position?! And as for your body, maybe you SHOULDN'T trust me near it! You know you want me, and I never refuse when a girl comes crawling at my feet!"  
  
Hermione and Draco taunted each other and growled for half an hour, before storming out opposite doors, meeting in the dungeons, and snogging for twenty minutes, leaving themselves ten to storm upstairs through opposite doors once again.  
  
The cameras were already all set up as they nestled into two of three leather armchairs, and they were going on the air in ten.  
  
Nine.  
  
Eight.  
  
Seven.  
  
Six.  
  
Five.  
  
Four.  
  
Three.  
  
Two.  
  
One.  
  
  
  
"ACTION!" Declared the cameraman. Draco and Hermione looked down at the papers in front of them. Ron and Padma had prepared them, so it was highly unlikely that they'd been sabotaged. Thank God they still had the scriptwriters on their side.  
  
"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger."  
  
"And I'm Draco Malfoy. It's time for..." and then the whole staff shouted loudly 'GOOD MORNING HOGWARTS!'.  
  
Draco and Hermione looked at each other with a raised brow. How. uninventive that had been! Ah, well. Hermione looked again at her notes. "Today on Good Morning Hogwarts, we are lucky enough to be interviewing the real Berty of the well-known candy company, BERTY BOTT'S EVERY-FLAVOUR BEANS! Come on down, Mr. Bott!"  
  
There was applause as Mr. Berty Bott walked onto the set, plopping down into the third armchair, waving and smiling. He was a huge block of a man with a ponytail. Hell, he looked more like one of the Azkaban guards than a candy maker. Both Hermione and Draco stood and shook his hand before sitting again, Draco looking intently at his notes. "Good morning Mr. Bott, nice to have you on the show."  
  
Berty laughed, and punched Draco's shoulder friendly-like. Draco muttered a bit, rubbing it. He'd have a bruise for a month. "Aw, little 'un like you doesn't have to call me Mr. Bott. Just Berty."  
  
Draco nodded. "Very well then, Berty. What motivated you to make a children's candy?"  
  
Berty appeared to think for a moment, then spoke. "Well, I suppose it was mah daughter. She loved candy, but she didn't like most of the normal kinds. She liked the muggle stuff, like mounds bars and all that. The chocolate frogs scared her out of her wits. So, I decided, why not make a candy that comes in all tastes, and isn't scary? And so I did. And it was a wonderful success."  
  
Hermione had the next question. "That's quite considerate of you Berty. But tell me. Why put in EVERY flavour? I mean, my first bean was urine flavoured, and I haven't really liked them much since."  
  
Berty laughed loudly, slapping his knee. "It was a dare. My drinkin' buddies dared me to make it literally EVERY flavour, and I did. The customers weren't too happy, but with the spell we use, you can't stop making one kind after you've made it once. And I'd like to offer my personal apology for the urine-flavoured one."  
  
Draco blinked a bit. His first had been coffee flavoured. He absoloutely LOVED Berty's beans. "So, Berty. What's your personal favourite bean?"  
  
"I like the corn on the cob flavoured ones! My daughter likes the chocolate- covered doughnut ones, my son likes the booger ones, and my wife likes the fancy French chocolate ones."  
  
Hermione smiled, nodding. "How interesting. That's all the questions we have for today, so it was nice to -"  
  
Berty, however, was not finished. He raised his hand to stop her from speaking. "Hey, what about my questions?"  
  
Draco and Hermione just kind of looked at each other, Hermione stuttering a bit. "U-uh.. O-okay. f-fire away.."  
  
Berty smirked. "Are you two," he batted his eyelashes, "in looooove?"  
  
They both glared hard, searching for the person who'd briefed him on what was appropriate to say and do...Sure enough, the Gossipateers were briefing guests. Bah. There would be no more guests. Draco spoke before Hermione could. "No, I assure you that we are not, and I also assure you that that type of question is a complete breach of our personal privacy, and we did not have to answer it."  
  
Hermione tried not to gaze too adoringly at her law-learned Malfy-Walfy.  
  
Berty nodded slowly. "Very well. What are your favourite kinds of beans, then?"  
  
Draco blinked. "Coffee. Every single KIND of coffee. My father likes cheese, and my mother's a diabetic."  
  
Hermione shrugged. "Mine's. mint-chip ice cream. My mum and dad both like fluoride. They're dentists."  
  
Berty smiled, nodding, and stood, shaking their hands. "Well, it was nice to be on the show. Bye!" And with that, he walked off.  
  
Draco smiled his trademark smile at the camera. "We'll be right back with Good Morning Hogwarts."  
  
  
  
Luckily, the rest of the day passed without sabotage.  
  
To Be Continued. 


	3. Day 2 Billy Jean Is Not Snape's Lover

Day 2 -  
  
By the time Draco and Hermione'd been able to convince Snape that they couldn't stay in the Potions classroom and do the show for the full 24 hours the first day, it had finally dawned on Hermione: because of the week of television broadcasting, there would be no classes all week. She stopped in her tracks, half-way down the hall to the Gryffindor dormitories, where Draco was walking her. "M-malfy-walfy?", she stuttered, her voice revealing extreme horror.  
  
He turned, blinking a bit. "What is it, Granger Dearest?"  
  
"I've suddenly realized something."  
  
He nodded, allowing her to continue.  
  
"We.. we're not going to have any other classes besides the news show this week, are we."  
  
Draco paused for a moment, then nodded. "No, I suppose not.. Is something wrong with that, sweetheart?"  
  
Hermione whirled dramatically towards him, her hazel orbs brimming with tears. "Draco, how can you be so heartless?! Don't you miss Flitwick, McGonagall, Sprout, Hooch, and the other teachers when you're not in their class?! Don't you care about your education?! We need to have our homework!"  
  
Draco stopped. He'd never really thought about class that way before.. She made it sound almost .. sexual ..Wait! No, no she doesn't!!, he thought quickly, embarrassed. But.. , he thought, she does have a very .. sensual .. figure, doesn't she?.. He shook his head to clear the thoughts. "Oh, Hermione, honey, I'm sorry for being a cold-blooded, heartless little bastard.. How 'bout we talk about it a little more tomorrow, hm? I know we'll be able to work something out to make you feel better.." He pulled his beloved, studious little mudblood close, and gave her a tender Draco- brand hug.  
  
Hermione sniffled, and let her beloved racist pig hold her for a moment before breaking away, and trying her best to smile. "Oh, Malfy-Walfy.. You always know the right thing to say. Yes, I'm sure we'll find some way to make me feel better tomorrow."  
  
He nodded, and blinked, looking to his left. Somehow, it seemed that they'd resumed walking at some point, and were now standing directly in front of the fat lady's picture. "Well, goodnight.. Don't let the Potter bugs bite."  
  
She smiled, nodding. "You too.. don't let the Pansy bugs bite." She smiled once more, waved, whispered a muffled 'caput draconis', and climbed into the common room.  
  
When she was gone, Draco started down to the Slytherin dorms. He had a new mission: before the year was over, he had to seduce Hermione.  
  
-  
  
As Hermione climbed through the portrait hole, she glanced around the common room. To her relief, she saw no one. Not so much to her relief, when she walked past the large crimson armchair facing directly away from the door, she found Harry sitting there, leering evilly at her. "Hermione, girlfriend, we gotta talk."  
  
She seized up in surprise, then relaxed and sighed, sinking into the armchair directly across from Harry's. "What do YOU want, Harry?"  
  
"Like, OMIGOD, Hermione! Call me Harriot! I'm a girl now, right? So, like, tell me. Why didn't you ever take MY hints? Why do you only have eyes for that .. that sexy Malfoy chap?!" Harry (..er, iot?) was filled with passion: he was angry at Hermione, Draco, Ron, and, most of all, himself.  
  
Hermione blinked, then shrugged, deciding that she probably ought to tell her ex-best friend the truth. "Well, Harry - iot. I'll be plain with you. You don't turn me on. That scar's icky, for one thing - I mean, is that really the only one of your heads Voldemort messed up? And then, you don't have a very good school record. I mean, DAMN Harry. You screw something up EVERY year. Another is .. Harry? Don't be offended, but .. " - a sigh - " .. you're not exactly the SMARTEST person in Hogwarts. Malfoy and I are the two best students in our year. So.. I just really want to breed an intelligent line of children."  
  
Harry looked at the rug, pink hair reflecting the tongues of flame licking at the roof of the fireplace. "Omigod.. Like, Hermione.. Like, omigod! I just got, like, a totally *SUPER* idea! Like, how 'bout I go back to being a man? Then will you consider fucking me?"  
  
Hermione stood up in disgust. "You just don't get it, do you! I DON'T WANT TO GET IN YOUR PANTS, HARRY POTTER!" And, with that, she whirled around and stomped off.  
  
Harry sat in the armchair and stared blankly into the fireplace. He suddenly resolved something .. He'd become a man again. And, before this year was over, he'd seduce Hermione.  
  
-  
  
Severus was in the dining hall with Minerva, hiccupping a bit, for they were both drunk as skunks. "And soooo-hic!.. Minerv-hic! What do you th- hic! about the students' news show?"  
  
Minerva giggled, hiccupping as well. "I t-hic! it's one of the most brilliant things I've ever seen, Sever-hic! And your pink clothes are, if I may say so myself, VERY s-hic-xy!"  
  
Severus, flushed with alcohoul and pleasure at the approval of his beloved, poured himself another glass of wine. He was gonna have some fun tonight! Woo-hoo, the joys of physical maturity.. It was looking like tomorrow might be another day where the students would enter Potions to the frightening sounds of a 30-year-old and a 65-year-old making love.  
  
-  
  
The next morning, Draco and Hermione awoke to find themselves stone-drunk and tied up ... in the Hufflepuff tower. Of course, the first thing going through the minds of each and every one of you is "who has committed this heinous crime?! .. and a HUFFLEPUFF?! .. How can a HUFFLEPUFF be capable of that?!" Well, Draco and Hermione were, of course, thinking the same thing. And that would be when they looked up to see...  
  
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHY HELD AT GUNPOINT BY WHO BUT PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!!!  
  
"D-d-dumbledore! Why .. " Hermione just blinked, watching the swirls of purdy colors.. ".. just .. why?!"  
  
Dumbledore stared at Hermione, his glare boring into her very soul. "I know it was you. I know you two did it!"  
  
Draco blinked, as dumbfounded as Hermione.. Although he didn't like to admit it, Dumbledore was just as much a father to him as to all the other students. ".. What .. are you talking about .. Dumbledore .. ? .. "  
  
The headmaster growled, and tightened his finger on the trigger to his gun. "Confess, or I'll shoot! I know you did it!!"  
  
Hermione, whose eyes were filled with tears, managed to choke out a few words: "What did we do?!"  
  
Dumbledore leered, his eyes tearing a bit, what he thought they'd done obviously causing him great pain. "I know you did it! Confess!! YOU took all the cookies from the cookie jar!!!"  
  
Draco and Hermione gasped, their eyes wide with terror. "WHO, ME!?" They cried in unison.  
  
Dumbledore nodded angrily. "YES, YOU!"  
  
"COULDN'T BE!!"  
  
Dumbledore blinked in confusion.. "Then who .. ? .. "  
  
Hermione glared at Justin, her eyes seeming to have turned into searing arrows of Death. "JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHY STOLE THE COOKIES FROM THE COOKIE JAR!"  
  
Justin's eyes widened. "Who, ME?!"  
  
Draco nodded angrily. "Yes, you!"  
  
Justin sighed and burst into tears, nodding. "Yes, me!.. I did it! I stole the cookies from the cookie jar, Dumbledore! I'm sorry! I couldn't help myself! They were so damn SCRUMPTIOUS..!!!!.."  
  
Dumbledore sighed, and shook his head, untying Draco and Hermione. "Well, then it looks like we've found the culprit.. I'm sorry, Miss Granger, Mister Malfoy. You have my apologies, and permission to go back to your houses."  
  
Draco and Hermione nodded, and got up, sort of stumbling out of the Hufflepuff common room into the hallway. Draco stared at Hermione, blinking hard. "Well.. that was .. strange .."  
  
"You took the words right out of my mouth.."  
  
"You know, it's almost time to go back on the air. And then, we're going to have to be on for the rest of the week.. You should probably go do.. whatever girls do.." He blinked a bit.  
  
"Oh.. well, I did all that before bed. All that's left is that we need to get dressed.. so.. I'll see you in Potions in ten, ok?"  
  
Draco nodded, heading off towards the Slytherin dormitories. -  
  
Draco and Hermione were sitting behind the news desk, Draco in a slick navy- blue business suit that brought out his hair, a LARGE mug of de-caffe coffee beside him, Hermione in a black business suit.. minus the mug of coffee.. Draco looked down at his notes and cleared his throat. "And now it's time for.!"  
  
The audience shouted "GOOD MORNING HOGWARTS!"  
  
Hermione and Draco groaned a bit at the stupidity of the opening.. Hermione sighed, looking at the notes, then smiling to the camera. "Today, we have a wonderful show for you. We have -"  
  
But Hermione never got to say what they had. Because, who should stumble on stage in a drunken stupor but Severus.  
  
And not only was Severus in a drunken stupor.  
  
He was in a drunken stupor and singing Billy Jean by Michael Jackson.  
  
Snape hiccupped, staggering across the stage.. "Oh - hic! - Billy Jean is not my love-hic!-er! She's just a -hic!- girl who thinks that -hic!!-I am the one! But the -hic!-kid is -hic!-not my son!!"  
  
Draco got up, taking a step towards the head of his house. "Err. Snape..?.."  
  
Snape shuffled over to Draco, leaning on him. "Draco, I tell you, the - HIC!! - kid is not my son! Billy - hic!! - Jean is not my lover!!!"  
  
"Er, that's nice, Snape.. but.. we're on the air.. You think you could.. get off the stage..?.." Draco struggled to support the weight of his Professor..  
  
"-Hic-We're on the - hic ! - air? Oh, good! Then no-hic!-body will think that -hic!-Billy Jean is my -hic!- lover! I swear that - hic - she's just a girl who - hic!!!! - thinks that I am the one!!!!!!! The kid really - hic! - isn't my son!!" Thus spoke Severus. With a passion.  
  
Hermione stood, biting her lip, motioning for the camera crew to come and get Snape.. Meanwhile, Severus was still going on about Billy Jean.  
  
"I mean, --hic!-Billy Jean told me she thought I was the - hic - one, and I told her to beat - hic! - it! Beat it! No one wants to be de-hic!-feated! Hic!"  
  
Draco was almost fainting with the sickening scent of the alcohoul on his professor's breath.  
  
Finally, the camera crew got Crabbe and Goyle to come back and haul their teacher off stage, who had now begun telling them that even if you don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man, that they should beat it, 'cuz they'll kick you and beat you and tell you it's fair.  
  
When Snape had finally been dealt with, Hermione and Draco sat down again, they sighed in relief.. Hopefully, that'd be the worst they got today.. "Anyway.. We've got a great show.. We're going to have -"  
  
Again, Hermione was interrupted.  
  
Dumbledore had run on stage, this time with Oliver Wood held at wandpoint (he'd given up on the gun). "THIS BOY .. THIS BOY!! .. HE KNOWS THE MUFFIN MAN!"  
  
Draco banged his head on the table repeatedly.  
  
Hermione started to cry.  
  
This was going to be a long, long, LONG week.  
  
-  
  
A/N- Thanks to all who R&Rd!!  
  
And, a special thanks to:  
  
Phil D. (CrazyMan Phil) - thanks for your undying support and forcing me to work on the fic. Lmao.  
  
Ginny-mun (Child of Weasley) - thanks SOOO much for the idea of drunken Snape walking on stage singing.. XD.. You cured my writer's block!  
  
Courtney - Thanks for reviewing! 


	4. Day 3 Oliver Wood Knows the Muffin Man!

Day 3 --  
  
It was four am. Hermione and Draco had huge circles under their eyes. Draco's coffee was almost entirely gone. Hermione's make up was seriously fucked up. Both of them needed sleep. Draco needed more coffee. Hermione needed ... Well, we'll leave that alone. It had taken fourty-five minutes to get Dumbledore to let Oliver go -- he didn't seem to understand that, since Oliver was already graduated, he wasn't allowed to expell him for "knowing the muffin man".  
  
It was later revealed that "Dumbledore" was really Madame Pomfrey under the influence of a heavy dose of Polyjuice potion and a heavier dose of vodka.  
  
Some of the highlights of their day included:  
  
The discovery of Snape and McGonagall screwing in Severus' private store of potions. Whoop-dee-doo, was that ever a surprise.  
  
The discovery that "Madame Pomfrey" was REALLY Colin Creevy transfigured into Madame Pomfrey, then Polyjuice-potioned into Dumbledore, all the while under a heavy dose of vodka.  
  
This was what busied the young reporters during their second day.. But there had been no activity since then. And they were bored.  
  
Bored as hell.  
  
Draco whimpered, slouching in the chair, reaching for the coffee pot.. "Hermione, it's four am. Four in the morning. Four o'fucking clock in the fucking morning. And we're still on the air. Can we please ask Snape to stop this project..?.. It's insane. There are .. things .. I have to and want to do that I can't do on the air."  
  
Just then, who should walk in but Harry.. iot?. He smirked, brushing his hair back to reveal - not his scar, but a perfectly smooth patch of skin! Harry, it seemed, was quite skilled with concealer. "Oh, and what would that be, Draco? You need to go wank off for a bit? I'll be happy to take your seat beside Hermione.."  
  
Draco sneered, regaining his energy. "Why, Potter? So you can seduce Hermione with your girlish charms? Hah. I doubt that you could charm her into not kicking you in the genitals so hard that you fly across the room into the camera crew."  
  
Hermione just sort of .. blinked .. watching the fierce battle between her ex-best friend and new-found sweetheart.  
  
"Oh, and I'm so sure YOU could charm her into anything of the sort EITHER, Malfoy, or have you forgotten all those times you called the beautiful Hermione a mudblood?!"  
  
Draco moved back as if struck, one arm moving around Hermione - they, all three, were unaware that the entirety of Hogwarts was watching them at this point. "You know very well that I meant nothing by it! .. Well.. I confess that I did when we were firsties .. even up to the fourth year .. but from last year on .. my family's honor is all that's held me back! I can't change what's happened in the past! So don't go talking about my calling her a mudblood!"  
  
Hermione and Harry were silent for a moment before Hermione let herself melt a little into Draco's embrace, glaring at Harry. "Harry.. I told you. You don't turn me on."  
  
Harry smiled a slick, and frankly rather disgusting, smile to Hermione. "What would it take for me to turn you on, 'Mione? C'mon, just say the word.."  
  
Hermione blinked, then nodded. "Okay. First, go burn all of the contents of Snape's private stores in front of him. Then transfigure McGonagall into a toad. Then pluck every feather from Dumbledore's phoenix. Next, kill Mrs. Norris right in front of Filch. Lastly, attempt to repot a mandrake without any sort of protection from its cries. Then I'll talk to you a little more."  
  
Draco smirked, watching Harry scowl a bit. "Oh well.. But, now I have something to say to you two. SMILE! YOU'RE STILL ON HOGWARTS CAMERA! You two've revealed your secret to the WHOLE SCHOOL, just like Ginny, Lavender, and I said you would." Harry sneered, and turned on his heel, striding off- stage.  
  
Draco and Hermione sat there, dumbfounded.. They'd really just told the whole school, hadn't they. Draco withdrew his arm from Hermione and started to cry. He could already feel his father's punishment.. And Hermione just stared blankly at the desk. She could already feel Malfoy's punishment, too.  
  
-  
  
At that moment, Dumbledore and Voldemort were having an argument in the Great Hall..  
  
"I'm telling you, Dumbledore! Briefs are far superior to boxers!"  
  
Dumbledore shook his head, and looked up at the dark wizard. "Tomas Riddle.. I do not understand your thinking on this subject. It is obvious - and proven - that boxers have the upper hand. For that, fifty points will be taken from Slytherin."  
  
Voldemort snorted, slamming a fist down onto the table. "Head master, you're shitting yourself.. You can't deduct points from Slytherin for a difference of opinion I had with you. I haven't been in Slytherin since the seventies!"  
  
"I can deduct anything I want at any time I want! I'm head master! And if you insist that briefs are better than boxers, I will have to chastise you by deducting points from your house!"  
  
Voldemort stood, tears welling up in his eyes. "Dumbledore! You're so mean! You never loved me! Never! I hate you! I hate all of you!!"  
  
And, with that, Tom Riddle ran off crying.  
  
-  
  
Although Colin's polyjuice potion and transfiguration spell had worn off, he had tied Oliver to a chair, and was questioning him ferociously. "Tell me, Wood.. Do you know the Muffin Man?!"  
  
Oliver raised a brow, quite confused. "Th.. the muffin man?"  
  
"The Muffin Man!"  
  
Wood shrugged, looking up at the younger student. "Do YOU know the muffin man?"  
  
"The Muffin Man?.."  
  
He nodded. "The muffin man."  
  
Colin nodded coldly. "Yes, I know the Muffin Man.. He lives on Drowery Lane.. But that's off the subject! Who else do you know who knows the Muffin Man?!"  
  
"Well.." Oliver bit his lip. "She's .. married to the muffin man .."  
  
Colin's eyes widened. "The Muffin Man..?!.."  
  
A nod. "The muffin man."  
  
Colin thought a bit, shaking his head in disbelief. "She's married to the Muffin Man.."  
  
Wood nodded. "Yes, the one who lives on Drowery Lane."  
  
Colin's interrogation had been going on like this for quite a while.  
  
-  
  
Ron was in his room, watching the Hogwarts news show with Padma.. He couldn't believe what Harry was doing to Hermione. They'd been best friends so long... "Bloody Hell, Padma... Where has all the bloody love gone?"  
  
Padma sighed and shook her head. "I don't know.. We should talk to Harry, shouldn't we?"  
  
Ron shook his head. "Bloody hell, no.. He'd bloody slit our bloody throats. It'd be bloody .. bloody."  
  
"But, Ron! You three've been such good friends for so long..! Maybe he'd listen to you?"  
  
".. I bloody doubt it, Padma .. but I suppose I don't bloody see any reason in bloody hell why we can't try. Shall we try?" He averted his eyes from the television to his Ravenclaw-sorted Patil twin.  
  
Padma nodded, smiling a bit at him. "Yes, we should. . . And Ron?"  
  
"Bloody hell! Oh. What is it?" Ron blinked a bit.  
  
"..Er.. Ron.. can you perhaps.. keep the 'bloody's at a minimum..?.. It gets really annoying after a while."  
  
Ron glared at Padma, turning away. "Bloody hell, take me the way I bloody am or bloody leave me a-bloody-lone, you bloody conniving wench."  
  
Padma giggled, nodding. "Oh, Ron. I love it when you call me a bloody conniving wench.."  
  
They proceeded to do things that shan't be detailed here.  
  
-  
  
Meanwhile, Severus had traded in his old clothes of frilly pink for his lover's new fetish - black spandex and a white glove. The more he and Minerva drank together, the more Michael Jackson wormed his way into Hogwarts' Potions Master and Transfiguration Mistress.  
  
-  
  
Pansy and Vincent had been working out their emotional problems over the past while, too.. Most of their insecurities stemmed from the same sources: parents, puberty, and Draco Malfoy.  
  
"And.. -sniff-.. so.. that's why I can't sleep without dreaming about Draco .." This was the end of Pansy's story of her Draco-induced insomnia.  
  
"Gee Pansy, that's horrible.." He sniffed real hard, as he always was..  
  
Oddly enough, this was when Pansy chose to make her move.  
  
"Speaking of horribly, Crabbe .. Do you ever find yourself .. lonely .. ? .."  
  
Crabbe thought a bit. He didn't know what she was asking .. He had Gregory, and Dr - well, he used to have Draco. Then, of course, he had a rat.. And an imaginary friend..  
  
Pansy, noting the confusion in his face, tried to clarify. "I mean.. lonely for a girl."  
  
Crabbe was taken aback by this. Was she.. was she really?! ..  
  
..Was she really asking if he had an imaginary girlfriend?! Of all the impertinence .. ! "I don't have no imaginary girlfriend.."  
  
Pansy laughed a bit, still not quite able to fathom the depths of Vincent's stupidity. "Oh, no, I didn't mean that.. I meant, would you.. do you.. Oh, Crabbe.. What I mean is that you, Vincent Crabbe .. you .. have the .. the nicest eyes .."  
  
As Pansy leaned close, Crabbe jerked away, tears standing in his eyes. "Pansy.. I can't! I'm sorry!"  
  
And with that, he ran off...  
  
Such were the sorrows of Pansy's pursuit of the emotionally-scarred Vincent Crabbe.  
  
-  
  
Draco and Hermione, despite the shock of what they'd told the whole school, were still at work. A random Slytherin came by and dropped a piece of paper upon the desk before turning on his heel and walking off again, as the messengers had a tendency to do.  
  
Draco blinked, and yawned, drinking a draught of coffee (this time, it was caffeinated) before reading the memo: "This just in.. a few things have been noted around the school: several of the televisions are covered in lipstick and saliva.. Filch would like to remind the student body that, if whoever is making out with the TVs turn themselves in, their punishment will be much easier. Also, we will be having a surprise visit from Lucius Malfoy to..."  
  
Draco's voice went dead with fear, just staring at the memo.. Hermione took the paper, and gasped, eyes wide. She managed to choke out the rest of the memo.. "..tomorrow. He will have reviewed yesterday's tape to see how his son is holding up the family name."  
  
This time Hermione was the one banging her head, and Draco was the one to burst into tears.  
  
This week was going to be even longer than they'd thought.  
  
-  
  
A/N Thanks again to all who R&Rd, or rather tried.. I've finally fixed the effil problem with the anonymous reviews prohibition.  
  
Special thanks to:  
  
Phil D. (CrazyMan Phil) for the idea of lipstick and saliva all over the televisions around the school  
  
And  
  
Alexis for the idea of Harry trying to seduce Hermione right in front of Draco. 


	5. A Note

Just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't abandoned FF.net or my fic..  
  
The reason that I haven't posted so recently is this: I wrote half a chapter, and left the file at my grandmother's.  
  
Phwee, ne?  
  
All of you: Honestly woman, how stupid can you get?  
  
U_u;;;;;;;;; .. .. .. .. .. Sorry ..  
  
Lmao..  
  
Well, anyways, I also have a pretty ecky case of writer's block, so suggestions on the next chapter would be GREATLY appreciated!! I do read the reviews - I *LOVE * getting them, actually. So please review!!!  
  
Thanks!  
  
Promise, the next chappie will be up real soon!  
  
Until then, bear with me!  
  
~Popuri~ 


	6. Day 3 Point 5 At the Malfoys'

Meanwhile, at the Malfoys..  
  
Lucius was sitting on the couch, eating parmesean cheese.  
  
His favourite pastime.  
  
Narcissa was sitting on the other side of the couch, knitting - an unlikely, although existent, habit of the mother. She blinked, looking over at her golden-haired Ex-Death Eater, who now seemed to be a golden-haired Cheese Eater, as he had the can open and was basically pouring it down his throat. She smiled.  
  
What a happy, normal couple they were.  
  
"You know what, honey?"  
  
Lucius blinked, looking over at his wife out of the corner of his eye, still chugging the grated cheese. "Wha?"  
  
".. I wish you'd stop calling out Lord Voldemort's name when we're in the sack."  
  
".. Sorry Narcissa .. I'm just not fully .. recovered .. from all those years as a transvestite Death Eater."  
  
She smiled, nodding, and returned to her knitting. "I know, hon."  
  
..Yes, what a happy, normal couple.  
  
-  
  
About a day or so later, one of the Malfoy family owls dropped a letter in Lucius' lap. He heaved a dramatic sigh, clapping his hands. "CRINKLEBERRY!"  
  
A small female house elf ran into the room at a record pace. "Y-you c-c-c- called M-master..?.."  
  
Lucius sneered, rapping Crinkleberry on the head with his ever-present sleek, black cane. "You were to slow. Faster next time"  
  
She bit her lip, nodding. "Oh yes, Master, Crinkleberry will have to punish herself for being so slow."  
  
A nod, and Lucius sneered at her once more. "Pick this letter up off of my lap and open it for me, would you? The exertion might ruin my complexion." He sighed delicately.  
  
Crinkleberry nodded enthusiastically, and fearfully took the letter from her master's lap. "It's from .. Azkaban, sir .."  
  
Lucius raised a brow. "What could THAT be..?.. Well, what are you waiting for?! Go on! Open it!"  
  
He kicked the house elf rather violently, causing her to fall over. But she quickly sprang right back up, caution and fear renewed, and opened the letter, taking out the piece of parchment enclosed within the envelope, reading aloud. "D-dear M-mister Malfoy.. We regret to inform you that your brother, Ralf, has passed away within our confines .. Three days after his death, we found him innocent of his crime, which was, of course, running a badger through with a muggle instrument called a 'tampon'.. It was only on that day that we actually witnessed a tampon, and realized that it isn't sharp, so you can't run someone through with it .. It seems that, in addition to his innocence, your Ralf was a prophet. Before he died, he wrote a mile of parchment about the future. Much of it is classified, but we felt that you might want to know of the bits concerning your son, Draco .. It seems that Draco may, if events are not changed, marry a muggle-born witch. We feel that you may want to go to Hogwarts and see what's up with your son. Yours truly, the Azkaban staff."  
  
Crinkleberry looked up at her master, wide-eyed. "Wh-what does this mean, Master..?.."  
  
Lucius growled angrily. "It means what I've suspected all along. Ralf Malfoy was an instrument of God.." He fell to his knees, sobbing. "WHY ME?! WHY MY BROTHER?! WHY ALWAYS THE MALFOY FAMILY!?!?!?!?!? OH, THE HUMANITY!"  
  
Crinkleberry blinked. "Uhm. Sir.. I meant what does it mean about Draco."  
  
Lucius looked up at her through his tears, and blinked. "Oh. That."  
  
He got to his feet, brushing the waist-length strands of gold from his eyes. "Well, I don't know. I'll have to go see. This should be interesting.." He smirked evilly. "To see if Azkaban's a bunch of blithering idiots or not. I assume that they are... I really can't picture Draco doing something of that sort. He's a good boy, he is."  
  
Crinkleberry nodded, and thought about peppermints.  
  
-  
  
Narcissa was out in the solarium, talking to the birds.  
  
"Cheep cheep! Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep!"  
  
The birds blinked. One bird looked at the other, raising a feather. 'I think we got a nutcase on our hands.'  
  
'I agree, Freddie.'  
  
"What, little birdies? Why do you look at each other in that manner? Have I made a connection? Tee-hee. You'd be surprised to know how many of the Malfoys can talk to birdies! 3!"  
  
The birds - chickadees, to be exact -- just stared at her.  
  
'What the fuck.'  
  
'I agree, Freddie.'  
  
-  
  
Lucius dotted the 'i' in his signature, and slipped the folded parchment into an envelope, handing it to an owl. "Take it to Dumb Bell Dorf."  
  
The owl blinked.  
  
"Er.. Dumbledore."  
  
A screech, and the owl took off in the direction of Hogwarts.  
  
-  
  
A/N  
  
Okay, well, it was shorter than I would've hoped, but .. *Shrug.*  
  
For anyone who didn't understand, these are the events that transpired over at the Malfoys' during the events of Chapter 4.  
  
Also, I'd like to give a thank you to my loyal R&R..ers..: Courtney, Phillys-kun (Crazy Man Phil), Alexis, SomeoneIDon'tKnow, Koaii no Onna- sempai (xonlyindreamsx), Raya Lyons, Spitfire06, Recnadeneres, Anonymous, and Strawberri. Please keep R&Ring!  
  
Another thing has been brought to my attention by the reviewers (::coughanonymousandsomeoneidon'tknowcough::).  
  
The 'harry wouldn't act like that!' issue.  
  
Since so many people are talking about it, I'll explain.  
  
I myself don't like Harry as a character. He's too .. heroic .. for me. He always defeats Voldemort. Even when he was a BABY. I mean, I know it's fiction, and I shouldn't ask for Rowling to make it realistic, but I just don't like him that much. So he makes for a great victim.  
  
Plus, this is a DM/HG fic (and maybe a little bit centered on SS/MM, too). Who really cares what Harry acts like? He's a minor character.  
  
So that's why Harry's acting this way - I need a villain.  
  
But, don't worry - the ending will be sickeningly happy enough for everyone, including the Harry fans.  
  
Again, please R&R! Thankee! 


	7. Day 4 Superman!

Day 4 -  
  
Draco hadn't been able to speak quite perfectly since the memo came. It had gotten to the point that Hermione had called in Madame Pomfrey (the one who wasn't Colin Creevy) to see if he was paralyzed with fright. When she declared Draco to be fine, Hermione, as well as the rest of Hogwarts, just couldn't understand why he was so upset... Of course his father would be angry, but Draco was Lucius' son. He wouldn't do anything TOO drastic...  
  
But Draco knew better.  
  
Draco knew the cold, loveless heart of his father better than anyone but his mother.  
  
And he knew that his father was perfectly capable of anything - even murder - if he thought it would be necessary to punish his son... The Malfoys were strict believers in discipline. What had to be done, would be done.  
  
And one of the Ten Commandments of the Malfoy Handbook was "thou shalt not covet a filthy mudblood". Draco had broken an important rule, and it put the honour of the Malfoy family at stake, not to mention Hermione's safety.  
  
Draco wasn't paralyzed with fright - his stoumach was turning over and over with fear and self-blame.  
  
And then he realized:  
  
Potter.  
  
This was all Potter's fault. Damn him, damn him to Hell, Draco thought. Damn him and his pink-haired ways. Damn him.  
  
It was then that Draco vowed that, in addition to seducing Hermione, he had one other goal this year:  
  
He must have revenge on Potter.  
  
-  
  
Tom Riddle was in the dungeons, crying.  
  
He couldn't believe that Dumbledore was so mean!  
  
Deducting points from his old house! .. And besides, he was right, wasn't he?!  
  
Briefs WERE better than boxers!!  
  
He continued to cry.  
  
He hated Dumbledore.  
  
He hated ALL of them.  
  
-  
  
Colin still had poor Oliver Wood tied up, and he'd put Oliver's cell phone (Wood had chosen to have one because it required less effort than spells did) on the other side of the room by now, because his fiancé kept calling, wondering where he was.  
  
After all, the fifth-year had had the poor Hogwarts graduate tied to the chair for fourty-eight hours.  
  
By now, the questioning had shifted from the Muffin Man to the Gingerbread Man.  
  
"TELL ME WOOD! If I run, run as fast as I can, can I catch the Gingerbread Man?!"  
  
Oliver groaned, dark circles under his eyes. "No.. Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch the gingerbread man.."  
  
-  
  
Ron and Padma were in the Gryffindor common room, trying to think of some way to stop Harry's sabotage.  
  
"Bloody Hell.. I've half a mind to just bloody shoot his bloody brains out!" Ron scowled at the plans on the sticky note.  
  
Padma sighed, shaking her head.. then slowly her eyes lit up. "...You know, Ron, you might just have something there!"  
  
"Wh-what?!.."  
  
"Don't you see?.. We could just kill Harry! Then everything would be all better!!"  
  
"Bloody 'Ell, Padma. Don't be a bloody lunatic. There's a whole bloody Harry Potter fanbase that'd bloody kill us in our beds if we bloody went 'un did that!"  
  
Padma slumped over in her chair. "Oh .. good point."  
  
They went back to thinking.  
  
-  
  
In the meantime, Severus and Minerva had abandoned their Michael Jackson fetish to become fervent Beatles fans.  
  
"If I -hic!- fell in love with you, would you -hiccup!- promise to -hic!- be true and hic!elp meeee understand, 'cuz I've -hic!- been in -hic!- be- hic!- and I found that love was -hic!- than just holding -hic!-nds!!"  
  
Minerva clapped happily, hiccupping as well. "Sever-hic!-! That was marvelous!"  
  
-  
  
Crabbe was sitting in the hallway, sobbing. He couldn't get into a relationship!  
  
He knew Pansy could never really love him.  
  
Because she would never know who he really was.. And that was a secret he was destined to keep.  
  
Vincent Crabbe was, in reality...  
  
.. SUPERMAN!  
  
-  
  
The clock struck three.  
  
Pm.  
  
And, on the stroke of three, Lucius Malfoy slammed the door open, bursting into the room, glaring at his son with hatred as heated as the fire of a thousand hells.  
  
Draco's voice cracked. This was the end.  
  
Faintly, the background music changed to the Doors. "This is the end.. My only friend, the end.."  
  
Hermione shot a death glare at the sound director, and the music stopped.  
  
But that didn't change the fact that Lucius was here. He'd seen the tape. He knew what had transpired. And he was very, very angry.  
  
Draco's father strode quickly and elegantly down the ramp onto the set, and stopped about a foot from his son. (The camera men zoomed in, eager to get some juicy footage.) Lucius' fists clenched and unclenched. "Son.. What is the meaning of this?!"  
  
"...Dad... I don't know what to say.. You weren't supposed to know.. I.. I don't.."  
  
"HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN RULE NUMBER FOUR OF THE MALFOY HANDBOOK?!"  
  
"But, Dad!.. Wait. 'Thou shalt not covet a filthy mudblood' is rule number eight, isn't it?"  
  
Lucius scowled. "I'm glad you remember ONE of them. But it seems you HAVE forgotten number four, haven't you?!"  
  
Draco thought for a moment. ".. 'thou shalt not drink caffeinated coffee'?!"  
  
"PRECISELY! Have you forgotten how your mother became a diabetic?! Drinking all that caffeinated coffe?!?!?! I shan't have my son becoming a diabetic, too!"  
  
Hermione groaned, banging her head on the table once more.  
  
Damn, this week was going to be really, really, really, REALLY long.  
  
-  
  
A/N - Thank you once more to all my loyal R&R-ers! ^_^!  
  
Strawberri - Phloom! Really? Heh, that's kewl. Two Emily's, both with names of yummy-scented plants that end in 'i'. xD.  
  
Lady-Leilani - No, nobody's gone mad. They're just being themselves. o_o  
  
A.S. Snickers -- ^_^! TY!  
  
Molly (firebird) - Oh yes, no autographs please. ::Pose pose::. xD..  
  
Alexis - Even if I *had* updated, the chapter bar wouldn't have worked until the next day. u_u;  
  
Coming up next: LUCIUS AND DRACO HAVE A LIGHTSABER BATTLE OVER WHETHER DRACO CAN DRINK CAFFEINATED COFFEE!!! 


	8. Day 5 Beauty and the Beast

Day 5 --  
  
Draco stood, his eyes widened, and he raised a shaky finger at his father in accusation. "You..you told me she became a diabetic from eating cocoa beans! You lied to me!"  
  
A long, cold laugh echoed from his father's vocal cords.   
  
An evil laugh.  
  
"So, young Draco, you learn the truth.. No, it wasn't cocoa beans that made your mother become a diabetic! It was I.. er.. no.."   
  
Lucius leaned forward, trying to read the cue card.  
  
"..Oh, sorry about that. It was CAFFEINATED COFFEE! And now, Draco, because you have learned our family's long-kept secret.."  
  
He drew a lightsaber from beneathe his cloak. It was yellow, like cheese.   
  
"..you shall DIE!"  
  
Draco drew his own lightsaber -- green, like his mudblood's eys -- and glared at his father. "Bring it on, bitch!"  
  
--  
  
Tom Riddle.  
  
Lord Voldemort himself.. and yet..  
  
He knew he didn't **really** hate Harry, or Dumbledore.  
  
He didn't really hate anyone..  
  
"I just.. I.. I WANT ADVENTURE IN THE GREAT WIDE, SOMEWHERE! I want it more than I can tell! And for once, it might be grande to have someone.. understand. I want so much **more** than they've got plaaaaanned..."  
  
Tom knew exactly what he was going to do.  
  
He was going to go watch his favourite movie of all time, Beauty and the Beast.  
  
--  
  
And it was then that Oliver Wood's finace, who had an incredibly odd name (namely "SpitFire06"), broke into the dormatory.  
  
"I'M YOUR FIANCE, AND I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU! Uhm.. YEAH!"  
  
"What?! This is not how it's supposed to happen! We just got around to discussing the Jolly Green Giant!"  
  
Wood nearly burst out into tears.  
  
"Oh, SpitFire06, thank you for saving me from this hellish Creevey and his hellish interrogation!"  
  
"No problem, sugar! MOON PRISM POWER, MAKE-UP!"  
  
A swirl of colours and flashing lights, and SpitFire06 turned into Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon -- champion of justice, and prize money-making creation of the shoujo genre!  
  
"I am Sailor Moon! Champion of justice, and prize money-making creation of the shoujo genre! Be it anime, manga, video games, CDs, or other merchandise, I have sold tons! And, in the name of all Takeuchi Naoko-san's money, I will punish you!"  
  
Colin's eyes grew wide with fright. "HOLY SHIT, IT'S SAILOR MOON!"   
  
"Shut up, bitch! You attacked my fiance! Now I'll hit you with my Moon Tiara of DOOM!"  
  
After cackling evilly, she took off her tiara, and threw it at Colin Creevey, who, of course, screamed "GACKT!" in contrast to the "BEAUTIFUL!" response Honeymoon Therapy Kiss tended to evoke (see season 2 of Sailor Stars), and died.  
  
"Oh yeah, go me!" SpitFire06 quickly untied Oliver, and they skipped off to go make love.  
  
--  
  
Ron and Padma were dead in their dormatories.  
  
Yes, dead.  
  
But who could've dunnit?!  
  
The game of CLUE would soon ensue.  
  
--  
  
Severus and Minerva's fandom was getting a little... extreme.  
  
They dressed as John Lennon and Yoko Ono everywhere they went.  
  
And when they did it, they apparently screamed out for John/Yoko, respectively.  
  
..at least, the voices in Harry's head told him they did.  
  
And so he published it in the school newspaper!  
  
--  
  
Crabbe knew what he could do!  
  
He could have an OFFICE ROMANCE with Pansy!  
  
..but then his plan backfired.  
  
There was no office.  
  
He burst into tears, and began to head towards the dungeons, where he saw Tom Riddle.  
  
"..you're watching Beauty and the Beast?.."  
  
Tom nodded bitterly. "Got a problem with that, pinkie?"  
  
"Oh, no! It's just that.." Crabbe blushed. "..th..that's my favourite movie.. can.. I watch it with you?"  
  
Voldemort smiled warmly. "Sure."  
  
--  
  
Draco and Lucius' lightsaber blades clashed.  
  
"Son, why do you fight me! Join me! Join the dark side!"  
  
"NO! You killed my father!"  
  
"No, Draco Malfoy, I **am** your father!"  
  
Draco's eyes widened, and he let his guard down for a moment -- Lucius took that opportunity to slash at his son, but Draco flipped over him with new-found dexterity, and missed the blow entirely. "Father! Why are we fighting?! .. Doesn't love and caring between father and son mean more than why mother's a diabetic?!"  
  
Lucius stood for a moment, then dropped his lightsaber, tears welling up in his eyes. "You're.. you're right, son! Life isn't about fighting, it's about caring and love, and peace on Earth, and mercy mild, and God and siiiinners re-con-ciled, joyful all ye nations rise! Join the triumph of the skies! With excellent host proclaim, 'christ is born in bethleham'!"   
  
Draco blinked.  
  
"..No it's not."  
  
Lucius blinked.  
  
"..well, I suppose your right. Now, Draco -- just so long as you don't drink anymore of that caffeinated coffee, everything will be fine."  
  
The boy's eyes widened. "But.. Dad.. what about rule number eight?.."  
  
"Oh yes.. Draco? You're in deep, deep shit. I'm throwing you out of the house, in fact." He smiled contentedly. "Well, on that note, I suppose I'll be taking my leave! Draco, be sure to call home when we know where you're living. We're disowning you, but we have places to send you if you can't find a place."  
  
Draco blinked, appalled.. "Wh..where..?.."  
  
His father smirked.  
  
"Azkaban, where else?"  
  
With that he turned on his heel and left.  
  
Draco burst into tears.  
  
Hermione bit her lip.  
  
This wasn't only the longest week ever -- it was the worst.  
  
--  
  
A/N -- I'm soooo sorry that I didn't post sooner!! I had writer's block and such... I hope I didn't lose any of you to it! ^_^;;..  
  
Lady-Leilani -- Teehee, maybe. >:D.  
  
Phil -- ^_^ You'd better review, or I'll knock you offline again. ::Cackle.::  
  
SpitFore06 -- Well, obviously, my answer was yes. I hope you didn't mind being Sailor Moon, too.. xD.  
  
SlytherinSlut -- YAY! ^_^;; Pardon my enthusiasm at your review.. I've seen one of your reviews before, so s'kind'f exciting when you see people you've seen before review your own story.. =D. Sankyuu!  
  
Alexis -- THERE. I posted. Happy? ^_^ OH! AND PS TO EVERYONE! There's a story called "Harry Potter and the Quest for Manhood" that Alexis is writing and I'm editing up! Pleeeease R&R!!!  
  
B -- u_u; How many times do I have to say this? HARRY IS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER. Harry's sort of a villainous character.. if you want something that will resolve your inner conflicts over whether or not Harry's gay, you should read Harry Potter and the Quest for Manhood.. I don't know how Alexis will end it, but it's a promising story! ^_^  
  
Vice Captain Jessica -- I'm very happy you're having fun reading it. You bet I'll continue it!  
  
Dreammaker13 -- Thanks!  
  
COMING UP NEXT: Where will Draco live?! He's been disowned, and he doesn't want to go to Azkaban!! .. will he live with Hermione? Trouble is, Hermione's house only has two beds -- one for her and one for her parents! DUN DUN DUN!   
  



	9. Day 6 Loretta The Naked French Maid

**Day 6 --**  
  
Draco just sat there and sobbed for a long time before looking up tearfully at Hermione.  
  
"Wh..what are we going to do?..", came the choked sob.  
  
Hermione bit her lip and got up to comfort him. "Oh, Malfy-Walfy! I just don't know what to doey-wooey!"  
  
Draco would blink.  
  
"What?.."  
  
"Stop rhyming like that. It's assanine."  
  
A pause, and several blinks, and Hermione would nod. "Oh. Okay."  
  
And then, who should waltz in but Harry Potter!  
  
Everyone stared in shock.  
  
Harry.. was wearing MEN'S CLOTHING! And his hair was BROWN AGAIN..!..  
  
Everyone gasped in shock, and it sounded something like this: "OOOO AAAA, OOO AHHH, ONLY AT MATTRESS GIANT! OOOO AAAA..!!!".  
  
Harry blinked.  
  
Draco blinked.  
  
Hermione blinked.  
  
Lucius ran back in, blinked, and ran back out.  
  
Draco would raise a brow at the sight, and then slowly turn his head back to his rival. "So.. Come back for more hurting, have you, Potter?"  
  
Harry grinned and shook his head. "Oh, no. I'd like to have some tea and crumpets, if you wouldn't mind!"  
  
Draco stared.  
  
Hermione stared.  
  
Harry stared.  
  
Hagrid walked through, shaving.  
  
Out of Hagrid's beard fell one of those cakes with dancers in it.  
  
Draco, being the most courageous of the three, warilly approached the vile package.. It was a large, pink birthday cake with white icing. An evil pink birthday cake with white icing... Or so it was imagined. Draco carefully lifted the nametag on the cake and read it aloud. "To.. Lu..ci..us.. Mal..foy.. Lucius Malfoy?! That's my father!" He hastilly opened the package.  
  
And received the most frightening picture of his life.  
  
Loretta, the Malfoy's french maid, pranced out of the cake in a only a thong, holding the feather duster. She said, in her fake French accent: "Heddo, bebe.. Merci for lehteeng me out.. Now I shall make hoht dayrty luv to you, oui oui!"   
  
Then Loretta realized who it was and screamed.  
  
Draco heard her words, realized the implications of what his middle-age father had been doing with their seventeen-year-old maid, and screamed.  
  
Hermione saw her love staring at the woman's breasts and screamed.  
  
Harry saw that the thong sooooo did not go with the feather duster, and screamed loudest of all.  
  
Loretta then burst into tears, turned, ripped off the thong, and ran naked into Hogwarts with a feather duster.  
  
--  
  
Tom and Crabbe sat there in the dungeons, teary-eyed, as Belle said: "BEAST!" And he said, "Belle.. You came back!"  
  
"Crabbe.. Oh, Crabbe! I had always thought you to be so stupid and cultureless.. But.. to think that you love Beauty and the Beast even as I do! Crabbe!"  
  
Vincent turned to Voldemort, and grinned. "You know Tom, I think that this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."  
  
--  
  
SpitFire06 and Oliver were in a broom closet in the Quidditch hall (get it? Quidditch? broom closet? **_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_**--okay, I'm done), making love, when Loretta ran by buck-naked.  
  
"Ohh, ouip ouip! Ah ahm so sahd! I sink ah shahll go find zom attracteev young mahn and make hoht deyrty lohve to heem!!"  
  
Oliver heard this, and stiffined.  
  
SpitFire06 felt that, and screamed, slapping him across the face and pushing him away so that he slid out of her. An angry growl, and she walked buck-naked out of the closet towards Loretta. "LISTEN HERE, SISTER! DON'T YOU GO AROUSING MY FIANCEE, OR I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!"  
  
Loretta paused for a moment, then stabbed her with the feather duster, and ran away sobbing.  
  
--  
  
Ron and Padma weren't dead in their dormatories anymore.  
  
Yes, they were revived.  
  
BUT WHO COULD'VE DUNNIT THIS TIME?!  
  
Ron and Padma didn't know how to play clue, so the game of Scattegories would soon ensure.  
  
--  
  
Severus and Minerva were performing a concert with Ringo (Flitwick) and George (Filch) in the park.  
  
They were singing one of their hits: "Lady Minerva". (For all those non-Beatles fans, that was a play off of "Lady Madonna".)  
  
--  
  
Pansy was sitting in the garden, sniffling.  
  
Without Vincent, life wasn't worth living!  
  
Without Vincent, she didn't want to be a human any longer..!..  
  
She closed her eyes and began muttering the spell that would change her back.  
  
Back into a pansy.  
  
--  
  
As Loretta ran through the castle, she ran right into a tall, old man.  
  
As she looked up at him, she saw that he was perhaps only a year or two older than Lucius, and then she realized who it was.  
  
Professor Dumbeldore.  
  
She would blush, obviously attracted to old men.. that freak.  
  
"Well now. What have we here. A naked french maid."  
  
"O..Oui, monsieur! Ah ahm alsos a meestress for hier!.."  
  
Dumbledore, being a kind old man, shook his head. "No, no, dear lady. I would not extort your body. But remember -- it does not do well to dwell on briefs, and forget a bib."  
  
With that, he walked off.  
  
--  
  
Hermione, Draco, and Harry all stared blankly at this scene on the monitor. Thank god.. Tomorrow was the end.  
  
--  
  
A/N -- Once again, I'm sorry that I was so late. Meep.  
  
Orli luva -- Thanks for the praise.  
  
Tom Felton's babe (isn't that Alexis?!) -- Snicker.. that would be funny...  
  
Harry Draco Lover -- ^_^ There's two more chapters after this one.  
  
SpitFire06 -- Heh.. good.. now, I hope you didn't mind what happened in this chappie..  
  
Lady Leilani (My most favourite reviewer =D) -- Sorry to keep you waiting, :\. Rofl -- yeah.. " Madame Pomfrey Plagued By Cases of Mass-Madness ".  
  
Obsessivescaryferretgirl -- Lmao. Thanks. Your name kicks ass, btw.  
  
Alexis -- LMFAO, you're the best, thank you SO MUCH for the french maid idea...!!!  
  
Phil -- You suck! :D! Tri-nippled duck man! ^___^!  
  
COMING UP NEXT: So it wasn't appliccable to the last chapie! OH WELL! WHO KNOW'S WHAT'LL COME UP NEXT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!Apple. 


	10. Day 7 Barney

**Day 7--**  
  
"Well, today's the last day, folks. I hope you've enjoyed our exceedingly odd, exceedingly tiresome program." Draco gave a yawn at the conclusion of his sentence, and looked over at Hermione, who was just watching the monitors blankly.  
  
"Oh.. Yes, er, hope you've enjoyed it. We sure as hell haven't."  
  
A nod from Draco, both ignoring the ' I can't believe you just said that! ' glare that Harry was giving them.  
  
Hermione cast a look of poison in Harry's direction, rolling her eyes. "Oh, come off it! It's not as though **you** particularly enjoyed this week, either!"  
  
He sighed, and shook his head, standing up. "I don't have to take this shit from you, Hermione. I'm going to go fight Voldemort now." With that, he stomped on out of the studio, down to the dungeons.  
  
--  
  
By the end of the tape, Vincent had stood, realizing what he had to do.  
  
"Tom.. I have to go to the woman I love! I have to tell her the truth! I have to tell her that I'm really Super Man!" He ripped off his clothing, revealing a tight, spandex super hero outfit with an " S " on it before speeding off towards the garden..  
  
Voldemort shook his head, and at that very moment, his arch-nemesis, the famed Harry Potter himself walked in. "Voldemort! I'm really pissed off at Hermione, so I'm going to rip you to shreds!"  
  
Riddel's eyes narrowed, and he let his snakish toungue slip out of his mouth in a hiss. "Just you try, Potter.. LUMOS!"  
  
Harry blinked as a small light filled the dungeon. But then he began to stare with wide eyes in horror as his enemy began to do a strip tease. Harry was paralyzed with a tingling sensation as the Parsletoungue's snake was revealed -- and he fainted.  
  
Tom cackled, dressed, and left -- even if that was the only victory he could ever claim over that Potter child, it had been well worth it.  
  
--  
  
SpitFire06 lay on the floor, bleeding profusely from her feather-duster stab wound. Oliver was weeping over her. "SpitFire06.. darling.. will you make it?"  
  
"I'm.. not sure I can, Oliver."  
  
"Yes you can! Get up!"  
  
"Oliver.. Do you remember the way to the Great Valley?"  
  
"No.. But why do I have to know? You're gonna be there with me!"  
  
"..I'll be with you. Even if you can't see me."  
  
"What do you mean ' if I can't see you '?! I can ALWAYS see you!"  
  
SpitFire06 paused, and sat up, wiping away the blood from the feather-duster paper cut wound. "Oliver? Why are we quoting a scene from The Land Before Time?"  
  
He paused as well, and blinked once or twice. "You know darling, I honestly don't know."  
  
"Well, then." SpitFire06 stood, yawned, and put on her clothing. "Shall we go home now?"  
  
"Of course, darling.." Oliver dressed as well, and the two left Hogwarts.  
  
--  
  
Ron grinned at Padma as he slammed a pink piece down on the game board. "THAT'S IT! I WIN! I'M THE PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!"  
  
Padma laughed, removing the Black Ring which had caused her to lose the game.. Suddenly she paused, looking over at him. "Ron? Why are we playing Pretty Pretty Princess?"  
  
Ron stopped, and blinked.. After a few moments, he shook his head slowly in wonder. "You know, Padma.. I honestly don't know."  
  
"Oh.. Well, then.."  
  
"Yes.."  
  
Suddenly, Ron looked up, his gaze full of meaning. "Padma?"  
  
A blink or two. "Yes, Ron?"  
  
"Will you marry me?"  
  
Padma's eyes sparkled, and she smiled, nodding vigorously. "Oh, darling! Of course I will!"  
  
Ron grinned, taking the purple ring and slipping it on her finger.  
  
She was his Pretty Pretty Princess.  
  
--  
  
Suddenly, Severus sat up in bed, his eyes wide with fear and hatred.  
  
"You bitch! Look what you did! I'm **GRANGER**!"  
  
Minerva cackled evilly, followed by an evil glare. "Oh, and you didn't do as much!? Look at **me**! I'm **you**!"  
  
"You whore.. you're paying for this!" Snape stood, grabbing his wand from his pocket and pointing it at Minerva.  
  
"Watch your mouth, ass wipe." Minerva's own wand was pointed at him.  
  
Suddenly, Barney came in.  
  
"Now kids, let's be nice and make friends!"  
  
"But she/he turned me into Hermione Granger/him!", they whined in unison.  
  
"Well, that's okay! You should all give eachother a big hug and make up!"  
  
"...I don't wanna give her/him a big hug."  
  
Suddenly, they both turned to eachother. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Yoko?"  
  
"Yes, John, I do believe I am."  
  
An evil grin spread across both of their faces.. And suddenly, "Yoko" aka "Snape" aka Minerva McGonagall began singing in that monkey-esque high pitch that frightened everyone so very much. Barney tried to cover his ears, but then he realized that he didn't **have** ears, and thus could not cover them. A look of pure horror spread over his face, and he began to scream. Slowly but surely, Barney began to melt, until he was just a puddle of purple and green goo on the floor -- with eight yellow toenails, and two white pieces of plastic that had served as the teeth of his upper and lower jaws.  
  
The world automatically became a better place, and all the troubles with the stock market were resolved, **and** Saddam became an environmentalist.  
  
--  
  
Pansy closed her eyes, and prepared to mutter the final word, when suddenly, she saw something fat fly by: "Is it a pellican?! Is it a helicopter?! No -- it's VINCENT CRABBE!"  
  
A fanfare played as Vincent landed, gathering Pansy up into his arms. "Pansy, I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting for me! Will you marry me?!"  
  
Pansy smiled brightly, and shook her head. "Oh, Vincent, of course not. Why would I ever do such a thing? I am, after all, just a stupid sod who wanted to seduce you and then dump you in order to make you suffer!"  
  
Vincent gasped, and dropped her, stumbling backwards before turning and sobbing, running all the way into the forest.  
  
A cackle, and Pansy began to strut like a pigeon in a circle, laughing like Woody the Woodpecker.  
  
--  
  
Loretta suddenly lit up. "Oh, Ah no vat ah vill doo! Ah vill beecomb ah pohrn stah! Yes, ah vill!"  
  
Loretta ran from Hogwarts, all the way to PlayBoy, and became a porn star.  
  
Yes, that is exactly what she did.  
  
She later married a rich old man, and sued his family for over $80,000,000,000, and got her own television show on which she was depicted snorting coke and being obeise.  
  
Oh, yes. She also changed her name to Anna Nicole.  
  
--  
  
Hermione and Draco smiled at eachother as the day finally came to a close. "Well.. that really was aweful, wasn't it."  
  
"Yes, frankly, I don't think that Hogwarts will ever be the same again."  
  
"Nor do I."  
  
Hermione nodded, and passed Draco a pot of espresso, which he promptly downed.  
  
It was the end of a long, long week.  
  
--  
  
A/N -- Don't think it's the end, folks! One more chapter to sum it all up! So don't stop checking back, okay?!  
  
Yemily -- Hey, why is my name part of your name?! .. Uhm. Anyhow. I'm sorry, I completely forgot to check the reviews before writing! ... But we still have one chappie left! Maybe, hm?!  
  
Lady Leilani, my most favouritest reviewer -- Why ever would Harry get Hermione?! This is **me** we're talking about, right?  
  
SpitFire06 -- Well, there's yer answer!  
  
Kikyos Spirit -- Kikyo, eh? Sounds like Kokyou .. Mm .. Kokyou .. ::Drool:: .. Um, er. Yes, sankyuu for the compliments.  
  
S-Star -- There's some more for ya!  
  
Harry Draco Lover -- OOoooOOOoo.. My story is lipsmackingly good?! .. Hehehe ..  
  
Tigerchu -- Sorry that I didn't write it all that quickly, dude!  
  
Philip -- Thanks for reviewing. ¬ ¬.. ::Mutters angrilly:: .. I should log you off ..  
  
NEXT: WHO KNOWS?! But I can tell you one thing: This is the end.. My only friend, the end.. 


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